people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
You Might Also Like
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
We’ve all been there…
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops