“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
You Might Also Like
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Just me and my debit card against the world
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me if I was a dog
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open