Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
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Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”