Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
❤️❤️❤️
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra