Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password