Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
my sentiments exactly
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I don’t know what to do
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My god she’s good.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.