my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Erm I’m gonna say no
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.