An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
c’mon!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The Compass
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”