I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I’m aging like a fine banana
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: