I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.