Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
BaD BoY!!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.