Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
This is so me 😂😂
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.