Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool