My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.