genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
(Musicians.)