Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”