[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
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Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.