a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
so weird how every mom was born today
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.