I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Favourite diary entry ever
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.