My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
guilty
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
These aliens are taking forever.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”