*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
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The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.