Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
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*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
i did the math
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I have never related to a cat more
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?