Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Breaking news:
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.