Meanwhile in Canada…
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”