My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it