It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
You Might Also Like
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Two types of dogs.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
stop
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit