In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I am laughing way too hard at this.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV