The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
meanwhile over on facebook
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Your time is priceless, here鈥檚 an hourly rate
Me: what鈥檚 the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.馃寧鉂わ笍馃Ъ馃寧
I don鈥檛 know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 馃枻
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
HEY! WE DON鈥橳 THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I鈥檓 just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I鈥檓 just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
ME: My New Year鈥檚 resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) 鈥egetables.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I鈥檓 still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It鈥檚 trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
If I鈥檓 reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.