People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.