You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew