My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.