SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I wish all tests were things you peed on
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.