Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.