Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
You Might Also Like
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad