My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!