Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader: