Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
a lot to unpack here
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers