Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]