I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.