Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.