True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.