A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
crazy
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up