Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold