I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My love language is deader than Latin
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend