Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
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Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.