Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I don’t get marriage
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS