[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Battery falling down a hole
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out