80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
me logging onto twitter
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children