I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.