Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.